catch me, daddy, if you can!

the main problem with a.) not being at bard anymore and b.) not being as much of a sex/kink activist/educator/perpetual hook-up-er now a days, is that i do not know how to interact with people anymore.

Is this flirting? it must be flirting. i must stop flirting. i must stop interacting with this person altogether. have i said too much? i said too much. *backs away slowly*


the struggle is real people.

I solemnly swear that I will not…




  • Sing “hit me baby one more time” during a spanking.
  • Squirt lube/squirty cream in his face and tell him I’m into ‘giving’ facials.
  • Hide his spanking implements and replace them with Pokemon cards and chocolate bars.
  • Use the Hitachi Wand as a pretend microphone.
  • Say “now make me a sandwich” after he’s made me cum.
  • Ask if he “kisses his momma with that mouth” while he’s dirty talking.
  • Shout “ThunderCats are go” when he’s about to cum.
  • Roll my eyes.
  • Stomp my feet.
  • Spank him with a spatula.
  • Refer to him as “my bitch”
  • Decorate with stickers, or attach balloons to his toy collection.
  • Put nipple clamps on the chicken breasts in his fridge.
  • Glue all the pegs together.
  • Say “good girl” or “left a bit, right a bit” or hand him an A to Z while he’s performing oral sex on me.
  • Recite the plot to High School Musical when he asks me how my day has been.
  • Replace the contents of his underwear drawer with pretty girl knickers.
  • Fill his pockets full of sequins and glitter.
  • Draw a willy on his face while he sleeps.
  • Draw a face on his willy while he sleeps.
  • Attempt to capture/kidnap/restrain him. He is much taller, stronger, smarter, and meaner than me. Remember that!
  • Use his rope for skipping.
  • Refer to the kitchen as “his office”
  • Change his desktop wallpaper to a collage of kittens, cupcakes and hearts.
  • Change his ringtone to Justin Bieber.
  • Shout “Hammer Time” when he tells me to stop.
  • Text him random facts about cats in the middle of the night.
  • Ask “is it in yet?”
  • Call him Daddy in the supermarket, while squeezing his bum.
  • Shout “you shall not pass” when he tries to insert his penis into me.
  • Ask him to “take the Ring to Mordor” and hand him a cock ring.
  • Refer to sex as porking or making bacon.
  • Talk to him all about bacteria when he asks for dirty talk.
  • Call his penis Princess Fluffykins/Pretty McPrettyton/a grown up lollipop.
  • Say “she shoots, she scores” or score him out of ten after we’ve done the blanket dance.
  • Ask if he has his man period.
  • Stomp my feet and say “but I want to ride the penis”
  • Gargle his man juice, or wipe it on his curtains.
  • Pretend to choke to death.
  • Use Bazinga as a safeword.
  • Compare his penis to a strap on, and threaten him with it.
  • Ask “are we there yet?” during sex.
  • Make sheep noises.
  • Measure/hit his penis with a spoon.
  • Say “mmm you smell like my dad”
  • Rickroll him during sex.
  • Shout “trolls, trolls, the fucking trolls” in the middle of the night.
  • Go cock eyed while looking up during a blow job.
  • Pull his hair and call him Mary.
  • Make him roses out of cum tissues.
  • Stop mid hand job and ask him to pull my finger.
  • Fall asleep during luuuuuurve making.
  • Sing the Hokey Cokey while he contours me into different positions.
  • Threaten him with vegetables.
  • Ask if he’s paying with cash or credit card.
  • Punch the air/do the “I got laid” dance after sex.
  • Disagree with his choice of punishment, and recommend my own.
  • Call him a wuss/girl/wimp/pussy. It hurts.
  • Threaten to stop tending my lady garden.
  • Write threats on the bathroom mirror.
  • Tell him I want a knickerbocker glory. We have different ideas of what this is!
  • Put vegetables/slices of meat in his bed and tell him he has upset the local farmers market mafia.
  • Shout “safeword” or “hard limit” when he tries to express his feelings.
  • Perform surprise popping candy blow jobs.
  • Do a Gollum impression and say “my precious” when he whispers threats in my ear.
  • Continue to reference Lord of the Rings.
  • Hogtie him while he sleeps. Boundaries. Consent. I’m learning.
  • Do ice down his pants surprise attacks.
  • Shout “beam me up, Scotty” when pulls out a Hitachi wand.
  • Jump up and down on his bed while shouting “look at me! Check me out! I’m so awesome! I can swim like a motherfucking fish!”
  • Ask him where he thinks our relationship is going?, What’s on the tellybox later?, How his mum is doing? when he’s about to cum.
  • Hide chocolate buttons in his fleshlight. Chocolate willy surprise!
  • Sew his belt to his pants.
  • Take a picture of his cum face “SAY CHEESE!”


i solemnly swear that i probably will…

i’m sorry, i’m obsessed with all of these.

I'll Always Be Here


She lay in bed when I walked in, the blankets around her waist and her hair a tangle on the pillow.

“I couldn’t sleep. I kept picturing you with her.”

“I’m home now,” I said, pulling off my tie and hanging my suit up in the closet. It was the most I could offer.

“I don’t…

This is erotica, but this is also a story about how in poly relationships partners still get upset and jealous, and that’s okay, and this is one way you can respond.
I just wanted to say I really liked that about this piece. That it’s okay to be upset about things you’ve allowed.

What To Do When Your Little Has The Grumps!


Oh no! Your Little is grumpy! Come out of the bathroom and really, don’t dial 911, it’s going to pass. Yes, I promise.

  • When your Little has the grumps, it’s important not to punish them for being grumpy. Littles are prone to higher levels of emotional activity and…

Hi hi hi this is important. Like I almost put it on my regular blog important. Also it made me smile.


Sometimes finding the words 

or the bravery to say them 

feels too big when I’m so small.


Sometimes finding the words

or the bravery to say them

feels too big when I’m so small.


Excuse me, I need to change my panties.

i’m sorta back. and by sorta back i mean that mostly i wanted to have this on file for later.

(things are strange. i’ll talk about it another time if i feel like it. but i’m okay. i hope you are too. come talk if you’d like. also, unrelated, isn’t james deen lovely?)

(Source: subtied, via roewoof)